checking in

hello gentle reader,
i've been a little off the radar as of late.  family chaos and a really busy time at my shop=crazed distracted Emily.  my brother visited me for 8 days and left early last week.  it was a good time, but exhausting.  we drank a lot of beer, ate some not so healthy foods, and because of his physical limitations (cancer related), i sat on my ass a lot.  i had a lot of guilt and conflicting emotions about this.  i mean, i was delighted that my brother was here, and i enjoyed the junk/beer binge, but on the other hand, my brain wanted me to go out for a long run.  my brother suffers from a form of mild paralysis in one of his knees, so he can't walk or stand for long periods of time.  he walks with a cane at home, which he didn't bring to MN, and on outings, he prefers a wheelchair, which he didn't bring to MN.  so our outings were brief and included a lot of car moving and arm holding on my part.  i felt guilty for being healthy and strong enough to even be able to go run, walk, or dance in the way that i wanted to.  if i caught myself wanting these physical freedoms during his week here, i'd look at him struggling and then try to put it out of my mind.  it was strange, and i'm still thinking a lot about my feelings during that time.
just as the sad/happy feeling of having our house guest leave, washed over us, my husband and i were confronted with bad news from my family.  my grandma has been diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer, with tumors metastasizing in her abdomen.  i was heartbroken, i am heartbroken.  this is a woman who took care of me so often when i was young, that i would see her more than my mom sometimes.  my mom was forced to nurse at night and we would stay with my grandparents.  their house was so cozy, orderly, and welcoming for us.  my grandma has taught me how to bake, sew, and garden-things i do often and hold dear to my heart.  we use a few of her recipes at the shop.  she has early-onset Alzheimer's, which is both a blessing and a curse to her right now.  she is peaceful and happy, and does not fear the next couple of months as her cancer will most likely become worse soon. 
i've spent the last few nights being quiet and thinking a lot about cancer and it's tight hold on my life.  my stepdad, and biological dad were both taken by it.  my husband survived it, and has been in remission for 17 years.  my brother has been sick with it for 8 years.  now, grandma. 
i had a uterine cancer scare last year, and it was one of the worst moments of my life.  after having spotty periods, i went to an ob/gyn specialist to get some answers.  she ended up doing a biopsy of my uterus that day, which was painful, scary, and unexpected.  when she removed the sample she told me it didn't look cancerous to the eye, but they would have to test it.  i had to wait a week for the results.  i laid in the thin open-backed gown on the crinkly paper covered table and cried and cried and cried.  the doctor stroked my hair and then left me to cry.  i stayed in the room for almost an hour, fearing the worst and wondering how i was going to tell my mom if the results were positive.  i finally got it together, put my clothes back on and left.  a week later, we had the answers, and everything in my world was okay again.  it's interesting to me that my first thought wasn't of my own well being, but of my family's.  how would i tell them?  how would we make it through that? 
i dedicate my quest for health and fitness to my family.  i dedicate my running to my brother who would love nothing more than to run.  i am setting up a donation site for my upcoming half marathon, so i can make a big donation to the Lymphoma/Leukemia Society.  i am fighting this fight with sloth and obesity because i need to be here as long as i can.  with such an incredible cancer risk, why mess around with my health?  it's time to take charge, so i can be the best possible caregiver for my family and friends.  i owe it to them and i owe it to myself.  if anyone ever asks me why i'm trying so hard to lose this weight, that's the reason i'll give.  yes, i would love to be able to buy cute tiny dresses, but really, it's about the big picture. 
through these rough couple of weeks, i've continued to count Points Plus, even though i was unable to make two weeks worth of meetings.  i will be back in there on wednesday, and if i've gained, i'll bounce back from it, and if i've lost, it's probably just from stress.  either way, i'm in this thing. 
cheers,
emily